Depression and My Upcoming Surgery

I have a lot on my mind and this is a post just to get those thoughts out there so I may finally relax and it's to inform you of what personal hell I've been going through lately. So if I have appeared to be depressed, out of it, forgetful, anti-social, just plan hateful or crying out of the blue, I hope you'll understand why.

Yesterday I signed the papers to the biggest and toughest decision of my life!

WARNING: Long post ahead.

In three weeks I will be undergoing a hysterectomy and oophorectomy. My whole life I was never dedicated to any decision about my future, except the one of being a mother. It pains me to think I'll never look into the eyes of a child and not see myself, never experience the joyful pain of a little one kicking me from the inside, getting crazy food cravings from pregnancy or finally getting a baby shower of my own have after the few dozen I've given. I've come to realize that if kids are in my future, adoption is the only way to go.

So many people I've talked to shrug this off as something simple. They tell me it's OK, that I'm too old to have kids, or that having kids isn't as great as I think it is or my favorite...I don't think you would be a good mom anyway. These tiny words that have been spoken to me, dig deep! I feel as if I was never good enough to have children and the depression sky rockets. I just ask that when I talk to you about this issue, NEVER use these sentences.

I know many people will ask about what is wrong with my health, so I'll put it out there. It's not an easy thing to talk about with many, so I'm writing it down here for you (even this way, it is very difficult to share). I'm going to get VERY, VERY, VERY PERSONAL here in a moment. If you are uncomfortable about hearing about anatomy, especially dealing with women's sex organs and how things work down there, stop here. If you want to know what kind of medical anomaly or freak show I am continue on.
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I've been seeing an OB/GYN since I was 13 because of my issues. Periods that last months (yes months), bleeding which made my highly anemic because of so much blood and tissue loss. I have cramps which literally would bring me down because I was having contractions and my body would go into labor even without a baby inside. Unlike pregnant women, I get to deal with this pain every two to three months. So I get to experience all the pain of labor has without the reward of child afterward.

In the past few weeks I've been entertaining many doctors with my girly bits because it looks like I may have swallowed my twin in the womb. I have two uteruses, one which is split in half basically creating a third uterus, known as uterus didelphys. Fun huh!?! This is what was creating my extra long periods. With three uteruses, they were just bleeding me out, one after another. Along with that I have two cervix and three ovaries; one which is hiding behind my bowels making use the toilet very painful, but this has been going on for so many years, I thought it was normal. So ladies, when you complain about your period, just think about having three at a time. Or better yet, when you go into the OB/GYN to get a pap-smear, think about having to get three at once.

Oh but the good times don't end there. My uterine walls are SO thick, that they are smashing into each other causing them the collapse in my lower abdomen, making getting a biopsy impossible. And if I was sexually active, sex would also be impossible because of this. I've also been diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) where I have cysts growing in my ovaries. These cysts rupture causing me even more pain on top of cramps. Lately the ruptures are happening about once a week.

Told you I was going to get personal!

Because of the complications, I'm having a high risk surgery. My doctor thinks I may also have extra kidney tubes as well, that connects to all of this mess which makes the surgery even more complicated. I'll find that out later this week. I ask if you're the praying type to keep me in your prayers. This is scary for me and very depressing at the same time. I've put this off for so long thinking that science may have come up with something by now to help me, but I honestly can't deal with the pain, inconvenience and discomfort any more. I may ask many times to be alone, before and after my surgery. I hope that you honor that request. I'm a person that deals with stuff like this by thinking it out.

Thank you for listening! I'll keep you informed about my upcoming surgery.

PS - Is if wrong that I want to see all my organs after my surgery? I want to see what kind of un-human system I created.

A Rant or Two or Three or...

Man I've been one cranky woman these days and since I've been anti-social lately I'm letting it all out here. Beware, a lot of complaining is to come.

I guess I'm getting to that stage in my life where the more people I know and the more I know about others...I just don't care. I guess it's not that I don't care, it's because I'm getting worn out. The older I get the more "issues" I have to deal with. Which is fine if they were just my issues, but I'm a sucker for helping out anyone in need and I think some people a.k.a. "leeches" can smell that. I know a few people, who unlike myself, haven't worked for months...literally months. One person I know hasn't worked since 2007. How they have a nice apartment, new electronics, brand name clothes, etc I don't know. But maybe I do. It's because of people like me...the big hearted suckers wanting to be mankind's heroes. I know that many of these "leeches" are living of the government and churches and people like me. But how are they going to improve their life if everyone keeps coddling them? I say cut them off! And I have begun to do this myself. Why should these people live life to the fullest going on vacations, eating out every day, having a nice car and gas money to fill it...basically having all the time in the world to do what they want when I struggle with working 60-80 hours a week just to make ends meet?!?

Next complaint is about myself. I'm so irritated with myself and the jealousy that I have for others. I read peoples Twitters, Blogs and Vlogs and I can't help but think "Why not me? Why can't I have what they have"? I swear I just have bad luck when it comes to figuring out what to do with my own life. I've been to school three times and each time the degree has failed me due to the industry that it's been in. Yes, I love to learn but certain degrees can only get you so far. I'd love to go back to school again, but I'm afraid of failing once more. I feel like everytime I try to improve myself, something throws me back farther than when I started. I honestly think that my way of life was so much better right after the first round school. I had a career that I used my degree for, I had a good savings, enjoyed my time off, I even had a prospect of starting a family. These days I dread having any spare time to myself because it gives me too much time to think.

Next I hate to complain about this, but I'm going to anyway. I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS, Mormons) and even though I love my church and what it teaches, I'm so sick of having to stand up for it. I know what I believe but I'm sick of wasting my breath trying to defend it others who are not members. Most of the time I know I'm not going to change their minds so why should I sit there and debate with them. They see how I live, what I do and how I treat others, that's my part for my church...no more debates! I just think it's ironic that in these days people who have religion and follow the ways of religious leaders are looked at as the evil ones.

One more rant for the road...

Politicians and Actors - When did these two "industries" merge? I'm sick of how the media is portraying Barack and Michelle Obama as celebrities. Taking pictures of every step they make, show off their latest fashions, even telling the world what they had for breakfast that day. Leave them alone and let them do their jobs! I'd like to think that with the nation in the state that it is today, that the President has more on his mind then what designer tie he'll be wearing that day. As for the actors and actresses...yes it's great that you have an opinion, but so does the rest of the nation. Just because you're in the lime light most of the time, doesn't give you the right to make decisions for the rest of us. And if certain entertainers have played the part of a President or Vice President, that doesn't MAKE you a politician, it still makes you an actor.

Sorry about all the bitching and moaning lately, but sometimes I just have to get these thoughts out of my head and place them somewhere else. You're just the lucky victims that get to read it.

Have I Missed Out?

People ask me a lot why I work so much. My answer…so I don’t have time to think about what I’ve missed out in life. When I’m constantly working I feel productive and useful, it’s when I actually have free time that I get down and depressed with life.

Well, it’s one of those slow, unproductive moments here at work and I have too much time to think. I’ve been thinking about just the little things that people have said to me in the past few weeks and I feel like I have missed out on some major happening in life. Here’s a few thing that were mentioned:

~ Just two days ago the lady in front of me (while in line at the store) said to the clerk that her boy better get married soon because once someone turns 28, their chances of getting married and having a family is slim to none.

~ A friend of mine said to me and a group of people that to have a kid over the age of 30 isn’t fair to the kid because older people just can’t handle the energy of children.

~ I’ve been told that I shouldn’t have any debt because I don’t have a family.

~ Someone mentioned to me that my jobs are pointless and that anyone can do them and that I should try to make an effort to do more.

Maybe that last statement is true…heck maybe all of them are. I’ve put effort in careers and school and they have landed me jobs that have been good for the time being, but LIFE happens. Unfortunately my life hasn’t been what I want it to be. I’ve had goals since I was 12 that I’ve been working on. A couple of those goals have been to be married and have children, but life hasn’t dealt me that hand. So have I missed out? According to the majority of people I know, I have. I’m only 32, how can my life be over and have no meaning? Honestly people, I’m not giving up on life just because I work. I work so I don’t give up on life.

Emotional Roller Coaster

My life lately has been filled with so many ups and downs, twists and turns, I’m literally making myself sick. After my last blog talking about how I’m making some decisions and changing my life, with into two days everything I decided on hit me like flaming bag of poop thrown at my face.

I thought I FINALLY had everything worked out: my vacations, my work situations, my decisions on school, etc. After booking my flights, cars and hotel rooms for my trip to Australia and New Zealand I had to give my boss two weeks notice that I was leaving to go on this trip for 4+ weeks. It was 48 hours later that I got notified that the trip has been cancelled because the job there was cancelled. The job is only for 2 weeks, but I planned on another two weeks vacation there. So needless to say I’m out money no matter if I don’t go or if I reschedule everything. Plus, I quit my job for this trip!

After a few days of mopping around I did find out the trip was rescheduled for the end of April. Yeah, I get to go on a trip. I still need to rebook everything because I honestly don’t want to spend the money on the exchanges yet. Unfortunately after speaking to a neighbor that’s from Queensland, she said well that’s usually when it floods there. ARGGH! Oh well…If I do end up finally going I’m going to enjoy it even if I’m walking waist high in water. But if I do stay as long as I planned, that means I have to cancel my trip to California to go to BotCon. So far my “Year of Travel” isn’t working out too well.

So I’ve been very nervous about what I’m going to do when my job ends in two weeks, I won’t have that income and I’d have way too much time off (I can’t sit around too long, I need work). Well, my boss goes to the same LDS ward (church) as my family and my mother and my boss’ wife got talking. Well, it wasn’t long that it got back to my boss and he told me I could stay as long as I needed to. I wouldn’t be surprised if he offered me my job back once I returned home, but that’s another decision I don’t want to think about.

I’m more confused on what to do with my pathetic life as ever. Hopefully once this first trip comes around and I actually get to go, I’ll get to relax and think things over. Sorry for the rambling, but my mind feels like it’s in the spin cycle.


Quirky Quote: Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained. ~Arthur Somers Roche

Moving On - A Tough Road

My last post and this post have a lot in common. It’s the beginning of the Chinese New Year. Oddly this usual is when I make my resolutions for the new year. It gives me a few weeks to step into the changes that I need to make.

This year is going to be the year I take care of myself. It’s all about me in 2009! I know that sounds so selfish, but I need to work more on making myself happy and not putting myself last. I believe this is why I have been very unsocial lately. My depression taking a major toll on me and I just don’t have much time away from work so I just don’t care to be around many people these days. If you’re just read that, don’t be offended, it’s just I rather lay on the couch or my bed in the few hours I have then have to talk or face anyone, included the closest people in my life.

Late last week was the start of this new making of myself. I made the decision to cash in what I have in my Camaro fund and booked my trip to Australia and New Zealand. I’m so happy that I get this opportunity to do this. Almost 4 weeks away from any work and I get to be by the ocean every day, better yet…the Great Barrier Reef! I’ll start saving for the Camaro again later on this year.

Unfortunately this decision for this once in a lifetime trip came with the heart-breaking decision to leave one of my jobs. I knew I couldn’t take that much time off of work, so I put my notice in yesterday that I’ll only be with the company for 3 more weeks. Why does this break my heart to leave…because I love my co-workers and my boss is probably the most enjoyable boss to be around. He makes coming into work fun! I guess I’ll have to wait until after my trip to decide if I want to make my part-time job my full-time job or look for another job. Gotta start saving again for that Camaro!

So many twist and turns are starting to happen; I just hope it all just doesn’t come to smack me in the face!

Quirky Quote: Although every man believes that his decisions and resolutions involve the most multifarious factors, in reality they are mere oscillation between flight and longing. ~Herman Broch

Another Reason to Hate the Holidays

If you didn’t realize it yet, it’s Christmas time…again. I’m such a Scrooge this time of year because I don’t feel the Christmas spirit like everyone else and I haven’t for years. I remember having such wonderful and elaborate Christmases when I was younger and I couldn’t wait for it to come around again. Ever since I worked retail, I haven’t looked forward to it. Well after working retail for six years I quit so I could possibly enjoy the holidays season, then I started to work at the Post Office…another hellish place to work for the holidays.

This year, I was going to make it a happy Christmas! I wasn’t going to let anything get me down and it was going great until this past weekend. When I got my work schedule earlier in the week I was delighted to see that I got Christmas day off. The first time in four years, I don’t have to work Christmas day! Yeah for me! While at work I told people how happy I was. Well one co-worker, one that many of us try to avoid, told me “That’s not fair! You should have to work Christmas because you don’t have children”. This may have been a simple statement to most, but it cut me to the core. First of all, thanks for reminding me that my dream of being a mom hasn’t come true and may never come true at that. Second, I still have a family; a family, that unlike many people I know, I WANT to spend time with.

Needless to say, I’ve spent the past few days in a major depression, caused from guilt of not working the holiday, while someone else could be spending time with their family and from the despair of not having a family of my own. I keep on thinking of myself as Ebenezer Scrooge, not caring about this time of year and having the great possibility of dying alone. Yeah it sounds like I’ve taken it a bit far, but when you work a 12 hour shift at a place where you can’t talk, the mind tends to wander. I’ll be so happy once the new year begins…at least that’s what I’m hoping for.

Quirky Quote: There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ~Erma Bombeck