I have a lot on my mind and this is a post just to get those thoughts out there so I may finally relax and it's to inform you of what personal hell I've been going through lately. So if I have appeared to be depressed, out of it, forgetful, anti-social, just plan hateful or crying out of the blue, I hope you'll understand why.
Yesterday I signed the papers to the biggest and toughest decision of my life!
WARNING: Long post ahead.
In three weeks I will be undergoing a hysterectomy and oophorectomy. My
whole life I was never dedicated to any decision about my future,
except the one of being a mother. It pains me to think I'll never look
into the eyes of a child and not see myself, never experience the joyful
pain of a little one kicking me from the inside, getting crazy food
cravings from pregnancy or finally getting a baby shower of my own have
after the few dozen I've given. I've come to realize that if kids are
in my future, adoption is the only way to go.
So many people I've
talked to shrug this off as something simple. They tell me it's OK,
that I'm too old to have kids, or that having kids isn't as great as I
think it is or my favorite...I don't think you would be a good mom
anyway. These tiny words that have been spoken to me, dig deep! I feel
as if I was never good enough to have children and the depression sky
rockets. I just ask that when I talk to you about this issue, NEVER use
I know many people will ask about what is wrong
with my health, so I'll put it out there. It's not an easy thing to talk
about with many, so I'm writing it down here for you (even this way, it
is very difficult to share). I'm going to get VERY, VERY, VERY PERSONAL
here in a moment. If you are uncomfortable about hearing about
anatomy, especially dealing with women's sex organs and how things work
down there, stop here. If you want to know what kind of medical anomaly
or freak show I am continue on.
I've been seeing an OB/GYN since I was 13 because of my issues. Periods
that last months (yes months), bleeding which made my highly anemic
because of so much blood and tissue loss. I have cramps which literally
would bring me down because I was having contractions and my body would
go into labor even without a baby inside. Unlike pregnant women, I get
to deal with this pain every two to three months. So I get to
experience all the pain of labor has without the reward of child
In the past few weeks I've been entertaining many
doctors with my girly bits because it looks like I may have swallowed my
twin in the womb. I have two uteruses, one which is split in half
basically creating a third uterus, known as uterus didelphys. Fun
huh!?! This is what was creating my extra long periods. With three
uteruses, they were just bleeding me out, one after another. Along with
that I have two cervix and three ovaries; one which is hiding behind my
bowels making use the toilet very painful, but this has been going on
for so many years, I thought it was normal. So ladies, when you complain
about your period, just think about having three at a time. Or better
yet, when you go into the OB/GYN to get a pap-smear, think about having
to get three at once.
Oh but the good times don't end there. My
uterine walls are SO thick, that they are smashing into each other
causing them the collapse in my lower abdomen, making getting a biopsy
impossible. And if I was sexually active, sex would also be impossible
because of this. I've also been diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary
syndrome) where I have cysts growing in my ovaries. These cysts rupture
causing me even more pain on top of cramps. Lately the ruptures are
happening about once a week.
Told you I was going to get personal!
Because of the complications, I'm having a high risk surgery. My
doctor thinks I may also have extra kidney tubes as well, that connects
to all of this mess which makes the surgery even more complicated. I'll
find that out later this week. I ask if you're the praying type to
keep me in your prayers. This is scary for me and very depressing at
the same time. I've put this off for so long thinking that science may
have come up with something by now to help me, but I honestly can't deal
with the pain, inconvenience and discomfort any more. I may ask many
times to be alone, before and after my surgery. I hope that you honor
that request. I'm a person that deals with stuff like this by thinking
Thank you for listening! I'll keep you informed about my upcoming surgery.
PS - Is if wrong that I want to see all my organs after my surgery? I want to see what kind of un-human system I created.