Monday, July 5, 2010

Rejection after Rejection…My Mental Therapy Blog

The following blog will be long and quite personal from me. I’m sorry if it sounds like a lot of bitching and moaning, but this is what I need right now. Any advice is welcomed, but please leave the harsh criticism out. I honestly can't handle that right now.

Many of you follow me on Facebook and/or Twitter and most of you know that lately I’ve been in a bitter mood, but most do not know why. The reason why is that if I start talking about stuff I’ll start crying and I don’t want to put that kind of emotion strain on others. I have some people in my life that I call my “Emotional Vampires”; these people are ones that take up so much time and effort because they need so much attention that it is emotionally draining to one’s soul. After dealing with such folks, you honestly don’t want to be around anyone else or even think of your own issues. Because I deal with so many of these vampires, I keep many of my feelings locked up because I do not want anyone else to have to deal with this exhausting process. But here and now on this blog, I’m taking the time to get it all out in the open.

Rejection #1 - My Job
Rejected by Employer for Career Status

This is the one thing I have no problem gripping about as most of you know. I just wish that more people knew how frustrating that place is. Some of you work there or have worked there and do know what hell it truly is. First all I’ve been there for over five years now and I’m still classified as a temporary employee. How so? Well every 6-9 months my work fires us then rehires us five days later. This is so they don’t have to give us T.E. (transitional employees) any benefits. There are people there who are considered Career employees. These people do the EXACT same job as me, but they don’t have to worry about any disciplinary actions or even working to get their stats up, because they’re home free, meaning it’s hard to get them fired. Oh these people that do the exact same job as me, get paid twice as much, have benefits and vacation. Yeah, that’s fair isn’t it?!? Good ol’ government work. Like I said before, the more I work for the government the less confidence I have in it. Plus, I’ve been having issues with my paycheck and I can’t get anyone to help me because I’m not a Career employee. H.R. is impossible to get to because they are literally blocked off from the rest of the building. Yet again, that does not make any sense to me?!? I’ve asked several people in the building how I can become a Career employee and each time not one person, not even the big wigs, can give me a straight answer.

Rejected because I can’t get a straight answer or help from work.

Rejection #2 -My Weight and My Health
Rejected by My Own Body

This is probably my biggest reason for my depression and has been for years now. About five years ago I was diagnosed with P.C.O.S. (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). It seems this is becoming more and more a problem with women these days, but that doesn’t mean that doctors know anymore than they did a few years ago. I was diagnosed with this when I went to the doctor because I was gaining extreme weight in hardly any time. Truth be told, I gained 60 pounds in less than seven weeks. Then because of this I gained another 15-20 due to the depression over it. Yep, I gained nearly 80 pounds in less than three months time. Since that time, I’ve been to several weight loss clinics, tired just about every over the counter weight loss drug and diet plan, had a personal trainer and dietitians and many doctors who put me on clinical drugs. I’ve even tried the expensive HCG diet that many of my friends are finding successful. As of today, I’ve cut my caloric intake to 800 calories or less, and go to the gym at least an hour a day. My success rate in the past four years: a whole whopping 10 pounds and several thousands of dollars in debt.

Along with the weight gain with P.C.O.S. comes the lovely girly issues…*WARNING AGAIN* OB/GYN stuff is being mentioned. Oh good ol’ hormones! I wish many days I was a man so I would have to deal with such crap! I have had major girly issues since I was 13. You’d think after 20 years that at least one doctor could figure out how to fix me. Well, in April I finally got to go to an expert and it only took me 10 months to get in to see her, even she said she’s never seen a case like mine. Two months later, with many, many, many uncomfortable tests (not to mention the cost) they came to the conclusion that I’m all sorts of messed up. One physician even said “Huh, you have an interesting set up here”. Yeah, just what every woman wants to hear while on your back in stir-ups! Apparently I have extra parts to my system, hence why I’ve been so messed up since I was young. In the end my main doctor told I just have to have my body works things out for itself, while being on hormone therapy, get a hysterectomy or try several experimental surgeries.

This is the main thing that sends me crying to sleep each night. There has never been such horrible news given to me in my life than the words “You most likely will never be able to have children”. The only thing I have ever know about my life is that I wanted to have children and to know that I may never have that experience sends me into the biggest spiral of depression. The doctor has given me some options, but they are not guaranteed. Even though it’s not likely, I have taken up these options. There’s no way that I’m giving up the chance to have children! Hence, many surgeries are in my future.

Rejected for child bearing because I have messed up innards.

Rejection #3 - Insurance
Rejected by a Company I Pay A Lot of Money To

This goes kind of with the last category. Well, with my health issues many surgeries are in the planning and one of them is Gastric Bypass. This is not a surgery I ever thought I’d have, but with my extensive tests and three doctors opinions, each told me that the only way that I can or will ever lose the weight most likely through this surgery. This is because my body is holding onto hormones in my stomach that rarely get released. So my body is holding onto the fat and other hormones as if I was in starvation mode. To get my body to lose weight, the doctors have to cut that portion of my stomach out. That’s basically why I have to get Gastric Bypass. But, even with three doctors with drawn out letters, tests and recommendations, my insurance still is giving me the run around and told me it’ll be at least 12 weeks for the decision and even then I may get rejected for the surgery.

Guess I just have to get used to being a fat pig the rest of my life.

Rejected because it’s insurance. Insurance companies always screw you over!

Rejection #3 - Dating Relationships
Rejected by the Opposite Sex

No surprise here about this issue, hence the “single” status. There’s nothing as enjoyable as being a 30+ year old single woman living in Utah (hope you picked up on that sarcasm there). I did give up on dating for a few years, because of my extensive track record with such winners (as I call them) “The Rapist”, “The Con-Artist”, “The Secret Agent”, “The Preacher” and “The Druggy”. Yep, this is a small list of such winners I’ve ended up with and they were as lovely as they sounded. The last true relationship I was in was with the man I was unofficially engaged to (no ring, hence unofficial in Utah standards). He ended our relationship by telling me he just got home from his Honeymoon. Yep, he was engaged to me and not just one, but two other women. So when people tell me “You’re just picky, you need to lower your dating standards”, I just look at them and wonder; “How much lower can I get”? I guess I can date the homeless or check under the rugs.

I know this may come to some as a shocker, but I do go out on dates now and then and each time I come home and either cry or just stare up at the ceiling in shock and awe about these men. Most of these men have extreme baggage, but hey, I’m not one to judge too much, I’m willing to give anyone a chance. I’ve come to the conclusion that these men only want sex or a woman around so they don’t have to pay for day care, nothing of a true romantic relationship. I’ve told many people out there most men don’t want a woman like me. I’m kind of like the “Clearance Model”. Either I’m too old, too fat (this is #1 I’m positive), too childish or the guy doesn’t want to have any more children. That’s my biggest deal breaker. I’m not going through all these tests and surgeries for nothing, but with most men my age, they’re done having children or they’re old enough to know that they never want kids. Guess I’ll get back into dating when I’m 50.

Rejected because I’ve passed my prime dating period.

Rejection #5 - School and Continuing Education
Rejected by Government Grants and Loan Companies

I never heard of anyone getting rejected for a student loan, that was until 3 weeks ago that I got a letter saying I didn’t qualify for a loan. Then two days later, yet another rejection notice came my way. These rejections came after I gave up on applying for government grants. One grant I applied for was actually through the school. The lady there told me I have a 96% chance of getting this grant. She’s never seen anyone turned away from this grant that was over 30. Well, I fit into that 4% category. I was denied because I am single with no children and have too much disposable income, which comes off as ironic to me since according to my taxes records from last year, I’m on the poverty line. I understand not getting grants because of my “lifestyle”, but why am I being denied loans? I have a great credit score and good history on paying my bills. I even have my car as collateral. My friend told me that it’s because the economy is down and private companies and being finicky with loans. That once it picks back up, my chances are a lot greater. I guess that’s good news, but I don’t see the economy picking up anytime soon. Do you?

What really hurt my self esteem was at the beginning of the year when I applied for a Helicopter school, so that I can become a Life Flight pilot. This is what I would love to do for a career, but again…rejected. Why? Because of my weight. Again this damn weight is ruining my chance for something great. Helicopter pilots need a weight limit and I’m way over that limit. So until I can get into that range, this dream job is put on hold.

Rejected because of my lifestyle.

Rejection #6 - Jobs and Career Advancements
Rejected by Employers and Companies

Because I honestly can’t stand my job anymore, I’ve been job hunting. If there is anything I hate the most in life it’s the frustrations with job hunting. I rather be someplace I hate than job hunting, but that place of work is so exasperating right now, I rather job hunt. I’ve probably applied for about 100+ jobs in the past 2 months and haven’t even heard from a ¼ of them. What ones I do hear from, they just send a generic letter saying I didn’t get the job. One place did respond back to me saying they were looking for someone fresh out of the school that has the potential of staying with the company for a long period of time. Sounds like an age discrimination thing, but I don’t have the energy or care to fight it. Most of rejections are because I don’t have the advanced degree or schooling for it, even though I have the experience most want that piece of paper aka diploma saying I can handle it.

Rejected because of Schooling

I really do try to stay optimistic about life, but lately it’s easier said than done. A person can only take so much negativity in their life before the little black clouds becomes a thunderstorm. It hit me the other day (literally) when I got an email from one of my “emotional vampires” and that was what throw me over the edge as I took a chair and threw it across the room. My frustration at the end of the days usually ends with me hitting myself, screaming into a pillow or crying myself to sleep. I hate this person I’ve become. I’m violent, hateful, filled with rage and jealousy of others. I don’t blame people for not wanting to be around me. I know I wouldn’t want to. I truly feel sorry for my co-workers and family who have to be around me. I’m sure they try to avoid me at every chance, that is until I can shake this gloomy feeling. I just want something to go right with life, just a little glimmer of hope that there is something good coming my way. I feel like I’m stuck in a corner with life and walls are starting to cave in. Damn this depression!

I honestly think I’m bi-polar or suffer from manic depression because I do have highs during the day, but they don’t compare to lows I experience. One reason why I have been avoiding people is because I honestly can take their good news. When someone tells me that they’re getting married, having a baby, got a job promotion or even got a fun little item I truly am happy for them at first, but within a few minutes envy and jealousy streams through my system and I find myself hating that it couldn’t be me. "Why can’t I have this? Why can I never share good news"? I feel like I’m trying so hard to make a better life for me, but I’m going nowhere. Maybe this is where I am supposed to be for now. If that’s the case, I think I’m going to need more chocolate.


Debra said...

Oh, sweetheart! I'm so glad you wrote this blog! I can relate to much (but not all) of what you wrote. And perhaps I can offer a glimmer of hope in at least a couple areas. I also have PCOS and have suffered from depression (situational, for sure, but often long-lived because the situation continues on). The two of those things have contributed to some weight gain for me. I didn't even fit in my wedding dress that fit less than 2 months before... and I didn't find out it was too small until the morning of my wedding!

I found a FREE website called You get out of it what you put into it, but by using it (my name is DebraPants on there), I have lost 26 pounds since the beginning of March without giving up my chocolate and sugar (and most of the weight loss came before the end of May, actually). Check it out. I don't know if it'll be your thing or not, but it's GREAT for me. And FREE, which I love!

Also, I picked up a book from the library called The Job Search Solution: The Ultimate System for Finding a Great Job Now! by Tony Beshara. I'm still reading it, but it's pretty great from what I've read so far. It's really eye-opening to realize what kinds of things you need to do to actually find a job. I've been out of work since April 2009 and have been looking for a job since probably about June 2008... I've sent my resume out probably at least 1000 times over that time period and had less than 2% response. It IS frustrating!

I am praying for you that you will get some answers and some hope! I'm working on trying to be content in the now (Philippians 4:11), trusting in the Lord's timing, eliminating ungrateful thoughts, and expressing prayers of gratitude in challenging times (recommendations from the April Ensign). Hang in there! You really are a WONDERFUL person, and I'm glad to be your friend. Don't think I ever just want to hear the good in your life! I am here no matter what!

Laurie said...

Hey Nicole!

Thank you for being so brave and sharing with us your thoughts. I will admit, I've been worried.

I think you would be surprised at how many of us can relate on some level. In fact, many of the things you listed, I too have experienced, especially in the financial and hormonal departments. And dating as well... ugh!!!! Truly, we are far more alike than I ever would have imagined.

My hope for us is to remain faithful that we're going to make it through... and *someday* be perfected. It's just the making it through part!

Hang in there, Nicole. It's going to get better, I'm sure of it.

If only you could see yourself the way *I* see you...

Laurie said...

PS Pleeeease cut ties with the vampires. For real. Surround yourself with uplifting people. :)

Doctor Phobos said...

I hope it helped. I understand a lot of what you're going through. Not everything . . . I don't have the right physiology to entirely comprehend.

I hope you know you have a lot of very positive friends. I've seen a lot of the comments by them, and I can see that they care very much about you.

I understand about the "emotional vampires" as friends, and I've been looking at driving a stake through the heart of that problem. Maybe that's why I've become such a recluse as of late. Okay, maybe for a while . . .

Anyway, maybe it would help to take a page from my psycho-play book and get rid of the vampires.

A lot of these other issues, I don't know how to help you. I don't know how to help myself. I'm beginning to realize I'm actually afraid of losing weight for some reason.

I'm also fast approaching 42 and I'm a divorced white fat man who is unsure of whether or not he wants more than the four kids he already has. But I do understand the whole thing about cartoons and transformers and such . . . although I'm more D&D . . .

Anyway, the point is there are guys out there, like me (and younger) who would dig a fine girl like you. I know I would!

The health problems, most likely won't ever go away, I'm sorry to say. That's the hardest part, I know. The depression and other mental issues will vary as time goes by with therapy and medication. Of that I have personal experience (I think I just admitted I'm nuts . . .) It's all a matter of time and work.

And speaking of work . . . the job market sucks decepticon ass crack . . . if they have asses . . . and if they have cracks in them. You're the expert there. In Decepticons not ass cracks . . .um . . .

I've been out of work for a year, and it's been difficult at best to even find jobs that fit unless you want to work at Booger Fling or Arsenic Circle of Hell . . . it's the way of the economy right now as well as educational factors. So, please, don't take it too personally.

As for the career options at work . . I'm kinda shell-shocked from my last job on how that was handled and actually a little scared to enter the job market. Okay, I don't know how that helps, but there you go.

Educational options seem to be very limited. Most likely because of the economy. I too am looking to go back to school if the job I was hired by doesn't start soon. I can probably get funding, but I don't have the money for admissions fees and such!

Oh, and I can't donate plasma because I was in Germany during the 80s . . . I don't remember eating any mad cows . . . only some slightly cranky pigs and a depressed chicken . . .

You are one of my very good friends, Nicole. I'd rate you at the top 5%. I love hanging with you and I enjoy your company. I know I suck about going anywhere, but you're always welcome here at my place for some sci-fi, cartoons, or games.


Wizartar said...

Wow, you're having a lot of bad luck. Hope things work out for you.

Sometimes looking at a problem from a different angle can help put things in perspective.

Like you're lucky that you do have the option of those operations, yeah it completely sucks, but at least there is an option! I know four women who simply can’t have children. One was born barren, one became infertile through caner and before she had kids, one from a crazy style that just took its toll on her body. Then IMO the worst; the two times she tried for kids, she miscarried and at the moment can’t face trying again because of the emotional rollercoaster.

I haven’t heaped this stuff on you, to make you feel guilt about feeling the way you do. You have every right to be upset. But I’m hoping you might be able to take some solace from the fact it could be worse.

While financially it sounds like you’re working very hard to make ends meet and you job sucks. People are abusing the system and you’re getting the raw end of the deal. But if you look at population of the world, here's a graph, sometimes that makes things easier to visualize.

Out of the 6.7 Billion on the plant our standard of living is in the top 7%!!! You've already won the lotto by being born in the US! You have a job, you have a house, you have pets, while you have very limited disposable income and what little you have, you’ve got to fight for. Even still your standard of living is in the top 7% of the world!

I know graphs and stats don’t help emotionally and it’s of no practical help, but some times we have to accept the things we can't change. You’re concentrating on the 7% that have a better life then you, rather then accepting that 93% of the world would be happy with your financial predicament. Jealous will kill you, it’s an emotional cancer that just eats away till all that’s let in life is filled with hate and rage, you have to be stronger then that.

Concentrate on want parts of your life are really good, as there’s lots of really good things in your life if you can be completely honest with yourself. You’ve so many online friends that care about you and want you to be happy. But sometime the hardest part is letting go of dreams that can't be and accepting reality. You could call this a, “well it could be worse” response, but I know that doesn’t help.

Roberta said...

I'm so sorry that you've been going through all these rough times. My heart breaks for you. This past weekend I was watching the Oprah 20th Anniversary dvd's with Dustin's family. Oprah said something that really impressed me:
'I Surrender All' is one of my favorite songs. … And it lives in my spirit because I try to surrender everything—I surrender my life, I surrender my doings, I surrender my experiences—because I know that God can dream a bigger dream than we can dream for ourselves."
I'll keep you safe in my thoughts and prayers. Chin up! Remember Joseph at Liberty jail...DC 122:7:
And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son (or daughter), that all these things shall give thee eexperience, and shall be for thy good.

Debra said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
orangemily said...

You deserve the best Nicole! I don't know why things aren't where you want them in life because you're not doing anything wrong.
I wish I could help, I'm always here if you need me.

Celeste Weekes said...

This blog kills me Nicole! you are the nicest person I know and to hear you say such terrible things about yourself and how your life is going is so sad! I think you are a perfect friend, a person who I can talk to at any time. YOu are always there for me, and I know you are the same with everyone. Maybe you should be there for yourself. YOu should love yourself the way you love others...unconditionally. I know that is hard to do when everything seems to go so badly, but just know all the people in your life love you SOOOOO much! There is no reason to be down on yourself because we are all proud of you and happy for your successes and greatful that you are a part of our lives! I love you, so do my girls and my husband and my whole extended family line! Keep your chin up and things will turn around! I know it!