Emotional Roller Coaster

My life lately has been filled with so many ups and downs, twists and turns, I’m literally making myself sick. After my last blog talking about how I’m making some decisions and changing my life, with into two days everything I decided on hit me like flaming bag of poop thrown at my face.

I thought I FINALLY had everything worked out: my vacations, my work situations, my decisions on school, etc. After booking my flights, cars and hotel rooms for my trip to Australia and New Zealand I had to give my boss two weeks notice that I was leaving to go on this trip for 4+ weeks. It was 48 hours later that I got notified that the trip has been cancelled because the job there was cancelled. The job is only for 2 weeks, but I planned on another two weeks vacation there. So needless to say I’m out money no matter if I don’t go or if I reschedule everything. Plus, I quit my job for this trip!

After a few days of mopping around I did find out the trip was rescheduled for the end of April. Yeah, I get to go on a trip. I still need to rebook everything because I honestly don’t want to spend the money on the exchanges yet. Unfortunately after speaking to a neighbor that’s from Queensland, she said well that’s usually when it floods there. ARGGH! Oh well…If I do end up finally going I’m going to enjoy it even if I’m walking waist high in water. But if I do stay as long as I planned, that means I have to cancel my trip to California to go to BotCon. So far my “Year of Travel” isn’t working out too well.

So I’ve been very nervous about what I’m going to do when my job ends in two weeks, I won’t have that income and I’d have way too much time off (I can’t sit around too long, I need work). Well, my boss goes to the same LDS ward (church) as my family and my mother and my boss’ wife got talking. Well, it wasn’t long that it got back to my boss and he told me I could stay as long as I needed to. I wouldn’t be surprised if he offered me my job back once I returned home, but that’s another decision I don’t want to think about.

I’m more confused on what to do with my pathetic life as ever. Hopefully once this first trip comes around and I actually get to go, I’ll get to relax and think things over. Sorry for the rambling, but my mind feels like it’s in the spin cycle.


Quirky Quote: Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained. ~Arthur Somers Roche

Moving On - A Tough Road

My last post and this post have a lot in common. It’s the beginning of the Chinese New Year. Oddly this usual is when I make my resolutions for the new year. It gives me a few weeks to step into the changes that I need to make.

This year is going to be the year I take care of myself. It’s all about me in 2009! I know that sounds so selfish, but I need to work more on making myself happy and not putting myself last. I believe this is why I have been very unsocial lately. My depression taking a major toll on me and I just don’t have much time away from work so I just don’t care to be around many people these days. If you’re just read that, don’t be offended, it’s just I rather lay on the couch or my bed in the few hours I have then have to talk or face anyone, included the closest people in my life.

Late last week was the start of this new making of myself. I made the decision to cash in what I have in my Camaro fund and booked my trip to Australia and New Zealand. I’m so happy that I get this opportunity to do this. Almost 4 weeks away from any work and I get to be by the ocean every day, better yet…the Great Barrier Reef! I’ll start saving for the Camaro again later on this year.

Unfortunately this decision for this once in a lifetime trip came with the heart-breaking decision to leave one of my jobs. I knew I couldn’t take that much time off of work, so I put my notice in yesterday that I’ll only be with the company for 3 more weeks. Why does this break my heart to leave…because I love my co-workers and my boss is probably the most enjoyable boss to be around. He makes coming into work fun! I guess I’ll have to wait until after my trip to decide if I want to make my part-time job my full-time job or look for another job. Gotta start saving again for that Camaro!

So many twist and turns are starting to happen; I just hope it all just doesn’t come to smack me in the face!

Quirky Quote: Although every man believes that his decisions and resolutions involve the most multifarious factors, in reality they are mere oscillation between flight and longing. ~Herman Broch

2008…Good Riddance!

I must say I’m not too sad to see this year go away.  What a bummer of a year!  It seems like anything that I set out to do, never happen.   There were many upsets and mostly boredom that surround this year.  Yes I did have some good times, but there were just too few.

For everyone that is celebrating tonight, have fun and enjoy yourself.  Just be safe and please, please, please DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE!  Here’s to 2009, may this year be a year of good changes and wonderful experiences!

Quirky Quote:  An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in.  A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.  ~Bill Vaughan

Merry CHRISTmas!

I just want to tell everyone Merry Christmas…and I do mean Christmas not X-mas. This is something that has bothered me for years. I can’t stand it when people write X-mas! The whole purpose of Christmas is to celebrate Christ and to take him out of the word, to me means that Christmas means something else, something more worldly. I’ve even seen campaigns out there to take Christ out of the holiday because this is a holiday for all. Excuse me? Ah…do you even get the jest of why Christmas even started?!?

I think that’s what I have the hardest time with. I think of myself as a religious person and to see others cut me down because I want to celebrate my religion as well as others strikes a nerve. So to all Christians everywhere, MERRY CHRISTMAS…and let’s keep Christ in Christmas!

Quirky Quote: He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree. ~Roy L. Smith

Another Reason to Hate the Holidays

If you didn’t realize it yet, it’s Christmas time…again. I’m such a Scrooge this time of year because I don’t feel the Christmas spirit like everyone else and I haven’t for years. I remember having such wonderful and elaborate Christmases when I was younger and I couldn’t wait for it to come around again. Ever since I worked retail, I haven’t looked forward to it. Well after working retail for six years I quit so I could possibly enjoy the holidays season, then I started to work at the Post Office…another hellish place to work for the holidays.

This year, I was going to make it a happy Christmas! I wasn’t going to let anything get me down and it was going great until this past weekend. When I got my work schedule earlier in the week I was delighted to see that I got Christmas day off. The first time in four years, I don’t have to work Christmas day! Yeah for me! While at work I told people how happy I was. Well one co-worker, one that many of us try to avoid, told me “That’s not fair! You should have to work Christmas because you don’t have children”. This may have been a simple statement to most, but it cut me to the core. First of all, thanks for reminding me that my dream of being a mom hasn’t come true and may never come true at that. Second, I still have a family; a family, that unlike many people I know, I WANT to spend time with.

Needless to say, I’ve spent the past few days in a major depression, caused from guilt of not working the holiday, while someone else could be spending time with their family and from the despair of not having a family of my own. I keep on thinking of myself as Ebenezer Scrooge, not caring about this time of year and having the great possibility of dying alone. Yeah it sounds like I’ve taken it a bit far, but when you work a 12 hour shift at a place where you can’t talk, the mind tends to wander. I’ll be so happy once the new year begins…at least that’s what I’m hoping for.

Quirky Quote: There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ~Erma Bombeck

Guilt…I Haz It

I’m so sick of feeling guilty for anything I do for myself. I feel like I’m constantly putting off making myself happy if someone else is suffering. Now I’ve only had two days off this year (and one of them was for a funeral) and we get a total of 10 vacation days and 5 sick days. If we don’t use them we lose them. Just today I put in a vacation request at work for three days off next week and my boss came up to me and said “It’s kind of short notice don’t you think”?

Oh great! Now I’m feeling guilty…AGAIN! If people are so dependent on me, why am I bored most of the time?!?


Quirky Quote: Emotion turning back on itself, and not leading on to thought or action, is the element of madness. ~John Sterling

'Tis the Season – The Annual Meltdown

Most of you have notice that I haven't posted many blogs up, nor been out socializing, or have returned phone calls and this is all because of my Love/Hate relationship with this time of year.

It seems that once Thanksgiving is done and I start my drive back home from a wonderful time with our small family get together in Wyoming, the dark cloud of depression, over worked and just plain stress sinks in. I love the fact that this is the perfect time to give, give, give because that is something I truly enjoy! I love spending time and money on others, but then where does one stop… or should it?

Each time I pass by a Salvation Army bucket, I have to contribute; every time a charity calls up I donate; every homeless person I see I give them any spare change and cash I have on me; angel trees are the worse as I want to take all the names I see on there. I feel it’s because I’m a very fortunate person. Even though I may work many hours a week, I honestly don’t make much, but that doesn’t matter because I STILL have more than I need. Because of the wonderful blessing of being able to say that I have more than I need, I feel that I have to help and give to each and every person that comes my way. It literally hurts me to think that there is someone out there that is need of help and I may not be able to give that help to them. How do you choose who to help and how do you turn down others?!? This is my agonizing dilemma.

Then there is my birthday that’s thrown into the holiday season. Each year I try to forget that I’m another year old and basically haven’t done much with my life yet. Last year, I DID forget that it was my birthday until I got emails and text messages from everyone. Why don’t I enjoy my birthday? The main reason (and this is going to sound sappy)…Christmas cards. Each year I get hundreds of Christmas cards (yes hundreds) and most of them are filled with newsletters of what wonderful things happened to them and their families through the year and each year I have no major news to share and no family photos to take. And this year, I don’t even have my dog to take a picture with.

Even though I can say that I have too much, I still want more from life. The Love/Hate battle is one that I’m afraid is a never ending one.



Quirky Quote: Isn't it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for - I don't know what exactly, but it's something that you don't mind so much not having at other times. ~Kate L. Bosher

The Flat and The Inflated

Yesterday I thought was going to be a good day, everything started out right. I got some good sleep the night before and I got to go home from work early. Well, going home early turned out to be not that great. I was driving down the road, almost to the freeway as someone decided not to strap down their stuff correctly, so I got a undercarriage full of junk and ended up with one tire totally destroyed and two more needed to be replaced. Thank goodness I know how to change a tire because I wasn't going to get help from anyone that passed me and this included two police vehicles. I have yet to meet up with anyone that gets more flats than me. Big-O Tires know me very well and I'll be meeting up with them again today.

Saturday was overall a great day. After doing my shift at work I went home got onto the computer and saw that a couple of my buddies from the UK were on. As I started to chat with them they invited to guest host with them on their Transformers Podcast. I have to admit that I was a bit nervous at first but I had a great time doing it. Thank you to David, Andy and Paul for letting me play with them. So needless to say I got my ego a bit inflated with the opportunity give give the views a fangirl in subject that's mostly filled with boys and men. Moonbase 2 is the world's 2nd largest Transformers podcast so who knows who heard me out there, but if you'd like to check it out and hear me in all my Transformer geekiness you can download it on iTunes or download it from this link. Let me know what y'all think.

iTunes Link (episode 30)
Direct Download

Quirky Quote: It is often hard to distinguish between the hard knocks in life and those of opportunity. ~Frederick Phillips

Voting Completed

Yesterday I went in to vote early. I figured my opinions of candidates most likely won't change in the next few days, so why not do it since I have the time. I spent my free time at work reading up, making notes and double checking my choices, so I could just go in and feel confident with my decisions. No, I will not announced who I voted for because I can't not stand the bickering about the candidates. Yes, it was a difficult decision voting for President and V.P., because I honestly don't care for either of the main choices, but I did make my choice and I feel confident with it.

Quirky Quote: The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII

My Transformer Geekiness is Spreading World Wide

Last Saturday I was online speaking with the hosts of the Moonbase 2 podcast, David and Andy. Well, they then gave me the opportunity to do a 15-20 second spot on their show and last night I finally got to hear it while at work. Man I feel sorry for anyone that has to listen to me talk. I didn’t realize that my voice was that Valley Girlish?!? Thanks to the guys for letting me play with them on their show. For those of you who don’t know, the Moonbase 2 is a Transformers fan podcast out of the U.K. that brings updated news and questions about the world of Transformers and if you’re a TF fan, I highly recommend listening to it and join in on their forums as well. These guys are gems!

To add to my geekness, I had an art commission done of my forum persona Hailstorm from an artist in India, who goes by JazylH on deviantART. He did a great job! I didn’t give him much details and he gave me a wonderful rendition of a female seeker. Definitely go and check out his work, it's amazing!

Man, I’m such a nerd, but a lovable one I hope!?!

Quirky Quote: The easiest way to save face is to keep the lower half shut. ~Author Unknown

It’s The Little Things

For those of you who don’t know, I live at home with my parents. I know it sounds pathetic, but it was my Mom who actually suggested it as I was going to be living all by myself in a apartment and she basically is home by herself a lot of the time because my Dad is out of town for business and is home only 6-8 days for most of the month. She thought instead of two people living alone that it’s better that we stayed together. I have no problem with that, because I do have the best parents a girl could ask for.

The other day, my Dad was at home and my Mom had to have major surgery on her teeth. My father took the time out to be by her the whole day. He isn’t home often, so he spends time catching up on things that need repair on the house and getting ready for the next trip, but he put my mother first. He even spent the whole day on the couch with her, while she slept for 12 hours. He just watched over her, hardly left her side, because the doctor said that she may come down with a fever. It’s the little things like this that make me gleam with delight and brings me happiness to be able to spend time with such caring and wonderful parents.


Quirky Quote: Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. ~Robert Fulghum

Be Grateful Everyday

A couple of nights ago, I got a call from my dad, he was coming home from teaching class in Shreveport, Louisiana after only one day of work and I needed to go and pick him up at the airport. This has never happened. Yes, classes sometimes get shortened but not cancelled after one day.

He was teaching a small class of three men that grew up together. They all went to the same High School and even worked the same jobs. They were best buds for years. The first day of any training my father teaches Safety guidelines set out by OSHA. One thing he tells everyone is “Think if you were hurt, what would happen to your families and loved ones”. Well, my dad went to set up the training class and no one showed for the longest time. These three men were in a major accident on the way to work. One may lose his leg, one paralyzed from the neck down and the other was not confirmed with his injuries, but I’m sure it’s not good.

It’s amazing what a new day will bring, even just a few hours. I always get depressed with how boring my life is, but you hear of something like this happening and it puts your own life in to prospective. Be grateful for the things you have in life, even stuff we take for granted such as the ability to walk or being able to lift your arms and give someone a hug, because maybe one day we not have those abilities.


Quirky Quote: As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Life’s Debates

Lately it’s not the just the election that I’m confused about, but about what decisions I need to make for my own personal life. Working at least 74 hours in a week is taking a toll on me. I’m not young anymore to do this kind of exertion. I actually collapsed Sunday when I got home. I honestly don’t know how I made it home driving without hurting anyone, but it’s small miracles like that that make me thank God every day.

So my first debate is: which job do I choose to stay at? Do I stay at the one I enjoy that I don’t make as much money at and I love everyone I work with (The Document Group) or do I stay with the job that is mundane and boorish but pays better (USPS)? Plus, with the Post Office job, we’re coming into major overtime season, so I could work only one job and get the same paycheck as two jobs, but I hate being at that job more than I have to. This decision sucks…that’s all I can say.

Next debate is more about spending money on myself. I’m a hard worker and I think I deserve something for myself. I’ve been working to save up for the new Camaro. I was planning on ordering it May and possible have it delivered late June. But last week my dad got a call from a company in Australia, they want him to go there to train for 2 weeks. This has always been a dream of mine to go to Australia and swim the Great Barrier Reef. He’s invited me to join him and my mom, but those tickets are not cheap! Looked today and they were $3000 for a round-trip ticket alone, not including the other expenses I’d occur down there. Ouch! So, that’s my next debate: do I spend my saved money on this once in a lifetime trip, or keep it for my dream car? Argghh...this sucks also.









Ahhhh the joys of making decisions. I’m usually good at doing so, but for some reason these two have got me stuck.


Quirky Quote: A peacefulness follows any decision, even the wrong one. ~Rita Mae Brown

My Baby Purrrrs Again

If there is anything I hate spending money on its car repairs. Unfortunately, that means I hold off as long as possible to fix the repairs needed. About five months ago I took my car through an automatic car wash. Most washes have metal tracking bars so your car is placed where it is needed. Well, my car is more narrow than most so my wheels got knocked around a bit. It was about a week later that my car started to make a bad sound. Last week the sound grew so loud that I couldn’t hear my radio even at full volume, so it was time to fix the problem. I was thinking that I had a bent axle and I didn’t want to spend that much money on a car that I only owe a few more payments on. Well it just turned out to be a loose and wore out wheel bearing...so bad that the mechanic said he’s never seen one so bad and I had about a week before it totally blew, which could have cause a major accident. Well, I’m glad the repair wasn’t that serious and not too costly and I’m so happy my baby is purring perfectly yet again!


Quirky Quote: The car has become... an article of dress without which we feel uncertain, unclad, and incomplete. ~Marshall McLuhan

Found Myself In A Tight Spot

Well, this morning I got up and got my MRI done. Not highly recommended for people, like myself, who are claustrophobic. I was in the tiny tube for 40 minutes, trying to control my breathing. The radiology tech said I did great, so I must have slipped into some sort of trans to get through. I won't find out the results of my test for 2-3 days, so hopefully they'll find what is causing this pain and extra hopefully (there's a couple grammatical errors there) it's not serious.

Just to let y'all know what I went in for; four years ago I had major pain in my side and it was caused due to gallstones. Oh the joy! So I had my gallbladder removed two days later. Even after so many years, I still have the same pain. Most of the time I forget about it because I'm so immune to it, but it's when I'm completely bored or if I start talking about it I notice it. The doctor thinks it might be something to do with my pancreas and/or liver. So with my doctor's appointment last week, I mentioned it and this is where it's led me.


Quirky Quote: Health is a state of complete harmony of the body, mind and spirit. When one is free from physical disabilities and mental distractions, the gates of the soul open. ~B.K.S. Iyengar

Doctors *~* Let the Games Begin

So yesterday I went into the doctor for a couple of simple issues. I have an ear infection that I’ve had for the past few months. I thought it was just due to allergies, but it never went away. Then I had the doctor look at my toes, because two years ago I had my first (and only) professional pedicure and got a major infection. I had 3 toe nails fall off but one of my big toes hasn’t recovered.

Well, I’m on drugs for both of these lovely infections, but then the good stuff comes in. Apparently the doctor remembers me, or most likely saw notes about me, from a few years back and started asking me about my previous conditions. We got to talking, I am now scheduled next week for a MRI/MRCP as well as meeting up with two specialists. Man! This is going to kill my Camaro fund, since I won’t officially have my work’s insurance until next month, just my crappy personal insurance that only pays for basic visits. Some days I think it’s better off being sick than being in debt.


Quicky Quote: The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not. ~Mark Twain

Fire on the Water

Today started out as any other day; I woke and got ready for a day of work. There was a nasty smell in the air, but I was thinking it was just the lovely lake effect aroma that we get from the Great Salt Lake. As I was headed out the door, I heard my Mom exclaim “The pond is on fire”! I looked out the window and say and there’s a small fire on the side of the pond that hold our filter and pump. Having to run outside while the sprinklers were still on and get the hose to douse the flame, I looked like I just got out of the shower.

I’m thinking that there were a couple of tragedies. One of our Japanese pond sails loved that area of the pond as well as some water snakes (Eve isn’t to upset about the snakes). With the small fire went some lily pads and all the electrical equipment. I also believe that it was the sprinklers that kept the fire from spreading out farther.

Nothing like waking up to the nasty smell of burnt plastic, rubber and cannel water.

Quirky Quote: A spark neglected makes a mighty fire. ~Robert Herrick

Emotional Vampires

In Stephen King’s Dark Tower series, there is a character, Dandelo, who unlike the traditional vampires that feed off of blood, feeds off emotions; capturing and torturing others with laughter, sorrow and fear. I’m coming to believe that these are in fact, not fictional characters.

There are a handful of people in my life, probably a couple reading this, that are slowly draining me of any feeling and leaving me exhausted. These individuals require so much attention and need, I cringe when I see them on my caller I.D., get a text or email from them or the worst thing…showing up unannounced at the door. I know I’ll be spending the next hour or two being drained from the complaining, “Woe is me, no one has it worse off than me” stories. There is something that every one of these people have in common and that is laziness and poor social skills. They all want others to do their work, give them money and pretty much have others live through their crap.

I know for a fact that this is mostly my fault. I have a thing for helping unfortunate people in need. I blame my mother for giving me such a tender heart for the downtrodden, because she has the same benevolent mind: because we have so much, we must learn to give to others. Unfortunately, I don’t have it in my mind or soul to say “NO”.

One of these “vampires” has even been recently assigned by the Bishop of my church. He told me that this woman doesn’t have any friends and since I’m a friendly person and I get along with most people, that I should comfort her and introduce her to others. Well, I know why she doesn’t have friends; she’s about the most annoying, non-reliant person who holds a grudge for years over the smallest thing. I’m talking about how unforgiving she can be over something that was said to her in the 2nd grade by a classmate (I wish I was kidding about this). Most people that I introduce to her tell me that they do not want to be around her again, because she is so draining and very unpleasant to be around, but for some reason I stick around because I feel that everyone deserves a friend, even if it means making myself miserable.

Another individual is a man in his 40’s that has a family, a good job but for some reason has the need to borrow money from me because of his "financial hardship". I find myself a huge sucker for him because he tells me stories about how his children are in need, even though he lies to get welfare and money from his church that pays for his rent, his car and his food. I’m a sap when it comes to kids. Even though I know he’s lying through his teeth, I always have that scraping at the back of my mind “What if the kids ARE suffering?”

These are just two of the people that are taking a major toll on me. I honestly don’t know what to do, because of my guilt factor in saying “No”. I know that my health is taking a toll because of these people, as well as my pocketbook, but even worse, I'm slowly turning into one of them by complaining about life.

I’m looking for any kind of advice to deal with people like this. Better yet, I’m looking for a doctor that will prescribe me a 3 month vacation.


Quirky Quote: As none can see the wind but in its effects on the trees, neither can we see the emotions but in their effects on the face and body. ~Nathaniel LeTonnerre

Shia "The Buff"?

OK...I admit that it's no secret that I love Shia. One of the few actors I'm a complete sucker for. I always thought he was more of the geeky type but these photos show him "buff" and ready for action on the movie set.

This makes me wonder if Chuck Norris and Total Gym is a sponsor of TF2? Enjoy the eye candy gals!

Quirky Quote: Movement is a medicine for creating change in a person's physical, emotional, and mental states. ~Carol Welch

Me Bling!

Don't you just love getting packages in the mail?!?

I'm slowly conquering my eBay addiction. I've officially have not bought any item for 6 weeks now. Don't get me wrong, I still bid, but I've pulled myself back trying to outbid others. In a way, I'm very grateful that I haven't won anything off there lately, because it gave me some funds to save up for something extra nice.

Last Mother's Day I bought my Mom a green amethyst ring. It was so beautiful, I thought one day I'd get me one...so with my saved money, this month I bought myself one. See the newest member of my collection of bling. It's a 6 ½ carat cushion cut stone with 16 accent diamonds set in 14 karat white gold. This piece will easily become one of my favorites.

Sorry my picture is so blurry, but it's hard trying to get a focused picture of your own hand :S

Click on the pictures to see a larger view.

Quirky Quote: The jeweler allows me to wear the sapphire blue lake on my finger, the emerald green leaves around my neck, and take the citrine sunset with me wherever I go. Jewelry has become my daytime link to nature in an office with no windows. And if I have to work late, there's nothing like diamond stars and a pearl full moon against an onyx night sky. ~Astrid Alauda, "Office With No Windows"