Depression and My Upcoming Surgery

I have a lot on my mind and this is a post just to get those thoughts out there so I may finally relax and it's to inform you of what personal hell I've been going through lately. So if I have appeared to be depressed, out of it, forgetful, anti-social, just plan hateful or crying out of the blue, I hope you'll understand why.

Yesterday I signed the papers to the biggest and toughest decision of my life!

WARNING: Long post ahead.

In three weeks I will be undergoing a hysterectomy and oophorectomy. My whole life I was never dedicated to any decision about my future, except the one of being a mother. It pains me to think I'll never look into the eyes of a child and not see myself, never experience the joyful pain of a little one kicking me from the inside, getting crazy food cravings from pregnancy or finally getting a baby shower of my own have after the few dozen I've given. I've come to realize that if kids are in my future, adoption is the only way to go.

So many people I've talked to shrug this off as something simple. They tell me it's OK, that I'm too old to have kids, or that having kids isn't as great as I think it is or my favorite...I don't think you would be a good mom anyway. These tiny words that have been spoken to me, dig deep! I feel as if I was never good enough to have children and the depression sky rockets. I just ask that when I talk to you about this issue, NEVER use these sentences.

I know many people will ask about what is wrong with my health, so I'll put it out there. It's not an easy thing to talk about with many, so I'm writing it down here for you (even this way, it is very difficult to share). I'm going to get VERY, VERY, VERY PERSONAL here in a moment. If you are uncomfortable about hearing about anatomy, especially dealing with women's sex organs and how things work down there, stop here. If you want to know what kind of medical anomaly or freak show I am continue on.
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I've been seeing an OB/GYN since I was 13 because of my issues. Periods that last months (yes months), bleeding which made my highly anemic because of so much blood and tissue loss. I have cramps which literally would bring me down because I was having contractions and my body would go into labor even without a baby inside. Unlike pregnant women, I get to deal with this pain every two to three months. So I get to experience all the pain of labor has without the reward of child afterward.

In the past few weeks I've been entertaining many doctors with my girly bits because it looks like I may have swallowed my twin in the womb. I have two uteruses, one which is split in half basically creating a third uterus, known as uterus didelphys. Fun huh!?! This is what was creating my extra long periods. With three uteruses, they were just bleeding me out, one after another. Along with that I have two cervix and three ovaries; one which is hiding behind my bowels making use the toilet very painful, but this has been going on for so many years, I thought it was normal. So ladies, when you complain about your period, just think about having three at a time. Or better yet, when you go into the OB/GYN to get a pap-smear, think about having to get three at once.

Oh but the good times don't end there. My uterine walls are SO thick, that they are smashing into each other causing them the collapse in my lower abdomen, making getting a biopsy impossible. And if I was sexually active, sex would also be impossible because of this. I've also been diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) where I have cysts growing in my ovaries. These cysts rupture causing me even more pain on top of cramps. Lately the ruptures are happening about once a week.

Told you I was going to get personal!

Because of the complications, I'm having a high risk surgery. My doctor thinks I may also have extra kidney tubes as well, that connects to all of this mess which makes the surgery even more complicated. I'll find that out later this week. I ask if you're the praying type to keep me in your prayers. This is scary for me and very depressing at the same time. I've put this off for so long thinking that science may have come up with something by now to help me, but I honestly can't deal with the pain, inconvenience and discomfort any more. I may ask many times to be alone, before and after my surgery. I hope that you honor that request. I'm a person that deals with stuff like this by thinking it out.

Thank you for listening! I'll keep you informed about my upcoming surgery.

PS - Is if wrong that I want to see all my organs after my surgery? I want to see what kind of un-human system I created.